So I made a commitment to keep blogging the other month, and then my website promptly died on me >.< Usually when it does, it either revives within about half an hour, or else it’s something I can poke around and fix.
This time, it was neither. Boo.
So it took a few weeks for me to a) realise I was going to need help, b) schedule said help, and then c) coordinate with said help to get the site fixed – and by then I was drowning in Having Done Too Much In Life, oops.
This is a continual lesson I’m learning: if you don’t want to burn out, slow down. No, I mean slower. Good job, but now go slower. Uh huh, slower than that. Slower. Slower. Still a little bit slower please……
*slams head against wall*
Picture me, shouting at the universe: HOW SLOW DO YOU WANT ME TO GO? DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING THIS IS? WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO ACTUALLY JUST *STOP*, IS THAT HOW SLOW YOU WANT ME TO GO?
To which the universe seems to be answering, Uh, yes.
*more slamming of head in frustration*
I had a great chat about this with a good friend several weeks ago, when my frustration over all of this was running at its peak, and was lamenting the fact that if I am ever going to live the creative life I crave, at this rate it’ll be when I’m 65 and retired from dayjobbery (at which point the auditory correlation between ‘dayjobbery’ and ‘daylight robbery’ feels ENTIRELY DELIBERATE I can assure you).
Said friend was extremely kind, and generous with her time and her advice, and given the wisdom of her advice and the depth with which she understands my character, it felt very much like a boon. And paired with last month’s free coaching from Becca (just click the link, you need her in your life), I came to a decision that not only was I, yes, still trying to out-perform my physical capacity *STAB STAB STAB*, given I’m not going to magically regenerate capacity by pushing myself all the time (wait, what?!), I might as well find a way to make peace with this grossly diminished plate size I currently possess. (Do not want, tantrum, tantrum, waaahhh.)
So, in the most Amy move possible, I decided I’d do the opposite: I’d spend an ENTIRE BUSINESS WEEK deliberately avoiding EVERYTHING that might qualify as ‘progress’, with the rather heavy caveat that we were approaching a week away camping and certain things did indeed need to be prepped for (though I assure you, I did about a quarter the prep work I planned/desired, and GUESS FREAKING WHAT THE WEEK OF CAMPING WAS FINE).
Monday, I did literally nothing but watch YouTube, mostly lying in the sun on my son’s floor, the entire time the kids were at school. I slept better than night than I’ve slept literally all year. I do not appreciate the correlation, borne out by further evidence since that Monday, that when I don’t try to exceed my reach in a day, I sleep better.
Resentment.
Fierce.
Why.
That’s as good a wrap to this post as any, I suppose: Hi, hello, I’m back yet again, yet again with all the best intention in the world to blog more regularly, AND ALSO I’m FINALLY in a period of my life where I’m … well, I’m not OKAY with how little I’m able to get done, but I am at least no longer fighting my limitations tooth and claw and sanity. *deep breaths*. Maybe, with practice, I can even find acceptance here at last.
I have a sneaking suspicion that once I do, that’s when I might be allowed to move on……
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