Sometimes, you’re thinking about a thing because of life circumstances and all (in this case, teaching feminist critical literary theory to a class last week), and you feel like maybe you should go write it all down and figure it all out somehow… And then you stumble across something that makes you realise, actually, you’ve done this all before.
(I do this when I’m writing, too; I’ll have an epiphany about something that a particular scene needs, and will go back to add it in, only to discover it’s already there – my subconscious was three steps ahead of me.)
Today, it’s this post about the cognitive dissonance of being raised to be cautious of men – as all girls are, how many of us have heard the well-meaning ‘buy a shotgun’ directed at the father of a girl? – only to then be told off for making men feel uncomfortable when we act cautious around them.
So here’s the original post from August 2018, with the intro snipped a little for brevity’s sake.
I usually block a lot of this [i.e. terrible world/people things] out, especially here on the blog, not because I’m ignoring it but because I believe in providing a refuge online. But today, the particular headline about an Alabama pastor justifying someone else committing sexual assault (I forget who; there have been so many of them outed in recent weeks; just think of all those who haven’t been, of all those too afraid to stand up because look at what’s happened to those who have, Heaven help them, can’t blame them at all) – an Alabama pastor justifying someone sexually predating young women because – wait for it – young women are more pure. It’s okay to target teens if you’re an old white guy, because teen church girls are pure, donchano.
Honestly, I feel like throwing up.
I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything except do my utmost to teach my kids consent as hard and as early as I can. “You are not in charge of other people’s bodies” and “If someone says stop, you STOP” are slogans in our house for a reason (with the ‘stop’ usually referring to tickling or prodding or poking or whatever annoying small things small children to do each other when they’re being annoying).
I can also affirm that yes, #metoo. Like the vast, sweeping majority of women in the world of every race and creed and colour and social demographic and ability, I too have experienced unwanted sexual contact, not just once, but several times.
Men: please start listening. Please.
When an older male relative expresses shock and surprise and dismay that I am constantly assessing the male tone of the room (less now than I used to, but still), constantly aware, constantly judging, I want to scream: BUT YOU TAUGHT ME THIS. YOU taught me never walk alone at night, always take a buddy, stay in well-lit places, cross the road if you see them coming, don’t get in the car with them alone, watch out, be careful, dress modest, stay away.
This cognitive dissonance really needs to stop. You can’t keep teaching your daughters that they have to keep themselves safe from men, and then suddenly expect them to shed that ingrained caution/fear at some magical moment when they mature.
There isn’t a signal that says suddenly HEY OKAY YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO WALK TO YOUR CAR ALONE NOW YOU CAN STOP SECOND-GUESSING ALL THE MENZ.
Oddly enough, that’s probably because even though the risk factor drops by a factor of approximately ten in Australia from 0-14 years old compared to 45+, there’s still a risk. It still happens.
Listen to the ones who survive. Just because it didn’t happen to you/everyone/someone you know doesn’t invalidate the experience of the ones it did happen to.
Stop teaching girls to fear men and then being shocked when it turns out they had something to fear.
And maybe, just maybe, try listening. <3